How to be a Vampire?

How to be a vampire?
Satire article made for fun and entertaining purposes…

A. The first step to being a vampire is to believe in vampires; in the same way that, to be a Catholic, it is convenient to believe in God. Skepticism is never a good ally for conversions.
B. Once the initiate is convinced that vampires exist, it is important to see all the movies and film material on the subject; then read poems, stories, essays, crossword puzzles. Once this information is digested, it is vital to forget it; precisely because vampires are something else entirely.
C. As everyone knows, vampires bite. This oral phase of nocturnal life is essential to understanding the feeding habits of these creatures. It is imperative to practice various types of bites. Scientists agree that about five hundred practice bites are enough to master the technique. Due to the similarity of textures, we recommend using a chicken, preferably dead, to perfect the different angles of the bite.
D. Seclusion and therapy. Since a gloomy existence awaits them, it is necessary not to shit on one’s feet when the light goes out. isolate yourself, close shutters and blinds. If you are afraid of the dark, think about it. Maybe -this becoming a vampire thing-isn’t for you.
E. With clear objectives you can start the ritual. Visit your city parks at night. Don’t wear t-shirts or turtlenecks, this scares away vampires. Look closely at those who pass by and never question the gentlemen who walk dressed in overcoats. It’s not good to go around asking who is or isn’t a vampire. These beings are very secretive.
F. The first contact is key. Relax and enjoy your misguided anality. You may well believe that you want your neck to be bitten, but secretly you prefer an approach to other orifices. Joy. Surrender. But make sure your vampire really is. Don’t give your vein away to the first nerd who walks by in a Twilight T-shirt. Avoid garlic in the days before.
G. Once your neck has been ripped apart by the vampire’s teeth, take a minute for reflection. Do not use public transportation. Return to your lair, previously furnished with a sarcophagus, and rest. Don’t indulge in self-serving maneuvers. This nullifies the effects of the bite.
H. The diet the day after consists of sausages: black pudding, chorizo, salami, etc. This point is critical, since for the first time the ambiguous nature, in terms of preferences of the vampire is revealed. He doesn’t play with food.
I. On the third day you can finally declare yourself a full-fledged vampire. Dress in black. Throw away all self-help books, especially Cohelo’s (Think that if he did the above steps, they were of no use to him). Do not be angry with neighbors or relatives. Do not start your activities with petty revenge. Open a profile on any social network and announce your transformation to the world. Enter all relevant chats. Use nicknames of occasion. Talk to other idiots who share the same fantasy. Discuss. Be belligerent. Write as if you were a constipated bourgeois of the eighteenth century. Use archaisms. Curb your love appetites. From this moment you are an amorphous entity, an amoeba, a monstrosity whose only desire is to suck. Read Nietzsche and Heidegger (Never Sartre!). Cultivate a circle of followers, who can be recruited in different forums and social works.
Project an image of power and confidence. Never wear shorts or windbreakers. Convene gatherings in cemeteries and graveyards, where they can give themselves over to chewing tibia and gnawing old shoulder blades in an atmosphere of camaraderie. Remember to come back before sunrise.

See also:

http://dimidesan.com/vampires-and-crucifixes/

http://dimidesan.com/vampires-own-language/